A Crazy switch and and open letter

I've been a little sloppy with my blog posts, but here I am with the rant induced passion that pushes me to write.
It's occurred to me this week that there are too many people in my life who think they know me better than I know myself. When I then try to explain while at the same trying not to throttle the twats they then just tell me
' No, that's rubbish'
Fair play a lot of the time I don't know my own mind, that's the joy of living with being a crazy person but I am definitely finding it harder to want to be around the people who keep pushing me.
I'm finding it harder to not throw back at them their many years of indiscretions that they seem to have forgotten, or worse, acknowledge without me bringing them up just to tell me that it's different.
It's true all our circumstances are different and that's exactly why I am struggling to be told what and who I am.
I'm bipolar.
I'm not well.
I have a feeling for x, y and z.
I need to....
I used to
I have to............
It's making me want to hit my head against a bastard wall to perfectly honest!
So if these people read my blogs (which of course they don't get to, they're just for me) But, if they ever did, what they need to understand, is for someone who talks so much I don't actually tell you the things that I am processing or feeling because other than the only other person I know as batshit as me you just don't get it and you just don't know!
If I was to write an honest deathbed letter to some people in my life I'm not sure it would be all hearts and flowers and oh how much you have been there because there are just so many things I am angry about that I don't say.
I can't say because those of you who have been around and stuck around are worth your weight in gold for putting up with me and I don't want to go through the inevitable torture of arguing or worse still losing the people that are still around.
But........ and as always with my stories, there is that but. And this one is huge✋️
But, you make me mad from the tips of my toes.
You make me sad when I try and offer to help and you still put that friend that lets you down every time before our friendship.
You make my heart break every time I think about the person I miss every day and can't tell you because essentially you helped us be broken.
You infuriate the life out of me when I try daily to keep supporting the shit person you can be and you throw it back in my face.
You make me cry when I think of the baby that isn't here and I just can't talk about with you.
You hurt me beyond words when you publicly support the people who have been unforgivably reckless with my children.
You make me feel alone when you just don't listen to what I am telling you, and more so for the stuff, I feel I can't tell you.
Every time you made plans and didn't arrive I felt that it was because I was a bad person and now my confidence in who I am is gone.
You make me dislike myself because I dislike you more than I like you. Loving you is never going to stop but you make it impossible to like you almost always.
When the craziest person I know picks me off the floor I feel guilty because she has to do it every time, this is her job now because you just don't see when to stop pushing and essentially breaking another little part of me.
These flaws don't belong to just one person, they are from the people closest to me, the ones I do love dearly and wouldn't want to lose but an open letter means being open right?
If I was to write to each one all of these people and explain why they break me just a little bit every time these things happen would they change? Would they see that I am more hurt than they know or would their reaction be as I suspect now and always have?
I would be wrong!
I'd be wallowing in self-pity.
It would be something else I moaned about right until the end of my days.
I keep my mouth zipped and I plough through the shit each day because I know every single person around me has so much to put up with.
I know I am the friend and family member that is hard work and they struggle to want to be near.
I have to keep the zipper shut or I end up alone, just me and the humans I have created.
The humans I say I keep alive when actually they are the humans who keep me alive.
Those faces each day are the ones that never think they know me better because the only part of me they want to know is that I am mum.
And being their mum is the only part of me I can say is my achievement.
My open letter will stay closed for now with all the anger and hurt locked away to protect the relationships I have and the feelings of those who already think they are the ones worse off by having me around but are stuck with me for now.
I am Living with the crazy switch in my head that never quite knows how to react or when to stop so maybe it won't be letters on my deathbed so much a trail of destruction leading to it. But for now, I have a handle on the crazy switch!
For now........


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