A Slip Of A Healthy Mind

The last couple of days I've been a little worried about my mental health, fearing that I was slipping into a bit of a shitty rut. Not really caring about the house, my appearance and work. This isn't an ideal situation when to run your own business. I have customers I have to respond to and paperwork no one else can do. It's how I now make a living so just not feeling it, isn't an option.
After a trip to see the doctor this morning and realising that actually, I've just not felt physically well for a few days now, which is possibly the reason for the exhaustion I can't seem to shift, I decided to spend the day resting up and trying to sleep.
For anyone who has ever had even a mild depression, you'll know how scary the thought of slowing down can be. Although I'm not out the house all the time socialising and putting my new found confidence into action every day, I have been doing things out of my comfort zone much more often and I've been pretty active around the house the last few months. My days have been quite constant with things needing to be done. Whether it's housework, homework with my beans, sorting bills or organising things that are coming up with the business or some event like birthdays, I've really enjoyed being busy. Even when I haven't got something important to be seen to, I've really been utilising my time to concentrate on bettering my health. The yoga, physio, reading or writing, practising meditation. Just generally filling my days with things I enjoy doing. Things that have been making me feel mind healthy.
More than enjoying it, I've also been relying on all these things to keep me going and keep me productive. So making the choice to spend a day with feet up, in PJs and sleeping was a scary thought. For me, a day in bed represents a life I don't want to go back to. It reminds me of a time where life wasn't something I really cared to get out of bed for. Washing and makeup, brushing teeth and hair just weren't important. The only time I really felt anything remotely like being happy was when the little humans I live with done something worth smiling for. Those are days that I haven't consciously feared drifting back into recently, so to have a couple of days where there is that fear, those worries that the fog will return, a fog that comes from nowhere, for no reason and might be returning hasn't been nice. It's never nice to think about going back to dark places in your life. I'm hoping what I have learned from today, however, is that although it's good to have that niggle, it's good to be self-aware and conscious of a shift in my moods, to be cautious of what these swings may mean, jumping to the conclusion that things are going downhill isn't healthy either.
After a good sleep this afternoon, although I still feel quite poorly, I don't feel shut down like I have the last couple of days. I don't feel like all the energy from the last few months has been sucked from me or concerned about how healthy my mind is.
The doctor said today that resting when these viruses hit isn't really debatable. While I've spent months trying to train my brain to relax, to become quiet and let itself heal, (and it has,) I need to remember that my body needs the same thing when it's fighting an illness off.
It's not being weak, and it's not "lying down" to feeling shit like I have done so many times before, it's actually quite brave to take the step of breaking the new routines I have in place to allow my body to repair itself. It's a mentally strong thing, revisiting habits that once were signs of a deep depression, to allow my body to fix itself. Being mentally strong was something I never believed myself to be so now being able to acknowledge that I am is a huge step forward and a really positive one.
It may take a few days to really get the strength up to fight whatever has been making me feel poorly, but I have to give myself more credit for the hard work I have put in to being minded healthy the last few months. For the first time in my life, I have really put a massive effort into something important. My health. I seized a break in the darkness to climb out of it, to see a little bit of light and I ran with it. For some people that's not always possible, for me it was, and reminding myself what I am capable of is important. It's more than important, it's essential. Whether that be running about doing housework or from the comfort of my bed, the hard work will only be wasted if I let it. The strength I've taught myself the last few months was such hard work, it was changing who I have been over such a long period of time. When you put that amount of hard work into anything, it can't be easily broken down and destroyed. That's something we should all remind ourselves on a daily basis. Sometimes the things that once would have broken us are the things that make us stronger.


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