A little look back

After floating the last couple of weeks over to parent related posts, I really wanted to get back to talking about the stuff that kicked this journey off.

My mental health and trying to document how it affects my life.

Admittedly, I have had a reasonably easy ride of it recently which is probably why I have slacked off having anything to say about it.
That being said, although life seems to be reasonably quiet in my head compared to the deafening chaos that can go on, it's maybe these time that I should keep track of more than the shit spells.
Maybe the times when I am calmest is the best time to reflect on how I am staying calm, how I have pushed myself passed the dark spells and why I work so hard to come out of a down day. Even the days when I am be bouncing off the walls, full of all the enthusiasm for life that a mild dose of bipolar can bring are days that I have to be very aware of myself.

Truthfully, I love those days when my mind is so busy that I forget to sit down, the days when everything is fun and life seems the best it's ever been. They are far nicer than the days or weeks that can be filled with just nothing. Not sadness, not emotional pain either, just flat nothing.
No energy to get out of bed and no interest in even attempting to get in the shower. Nothing about the thought going out of the house and interacting with the world seems worth getting up for on those days and that is the saddest part of my life so far.
When nothing is better than something, those days are never nice to look back on. 

It means acknowledging that I gave up for a time on myself and my kids. I gave up on the potential that I know I have inside me and the life I should be building for the three of us.

With a birthday looming and no escape from the phrase "mid-30s" now it's more important than ever for me to make sure I am well and stay well because I can't pretend that I am a child anymore with a whole lifetime ahead of me. I have a child who is old enough to leave home should it come up her back and a bunch of grey hairs that get harder to hide by the month,so I have to now look at my future and stop wasting days not seeing the world. Not even the world everyone else lives in, just the beautiful things that I have in my world.

Keeping well isn't always easy, some days I do have a really shitty mood about me. I can still wake up with the lack of enthusiasm for getting up to even go for a pee and brush my teeth. The biggest difference now is I push myself. I push  through every day to do the things that I maybe cant be are doing because I now know that tomorrow will be better.
I now remember how awful those dark places can be and also how much my day can switch from crappy to great in the blink of an eye.
Being able to put those thoughts above the ones that tell me to have a day in bed because I really deserve it, I am really tired don't you know? that's what is keeping my little family unit of us three together and happy. It's what has transformed my life from this time last year, when pain and nothing were the only things I could see, to having smiling kids, a business and career goals. An actual work ethic I hid for such a long time and a life that means something, that I can be proud of even if its only because of the progress I have made.

I guess I could have summarised all of the above into a one sentence.

Life can be shit and hard with seriously unpleasant times but the thing that turns it around is you, putting the work in, even when you can't be bothered, because you know it will always be worth it.

I will try and keep a better track of all things mental health, it's why I started writing in the first place.

L xx


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