Friends Will be Friends

Off the back of mulling over the 'good/shite' parent debate last week, I figured the next progression is to chuck in the topic of friends.
The good, bad, ugly and clinically insane.
It's hard to write about because essentially, I'm not overly confident that I'm a 'good' (there's that shitting word again) friend.
(Refer to the 'good parent' chat below, the same theory applies)
I'm definitely not a great friend that's for sure. Here's why!
- I moan like a petulant child on a pretty much daily basis! (This does
involve stamping of feet, not gonna lie)
- I'm pretty self-involved in my life and dramas and stress, which has a tendency to dominate any all conversation until the listener has gone to an internal happier place.
- I will 99.9999% of the time cancel any plans to go out and do things because I have the fear of being out of my own house. This has led to a massive decrease in invites to do anything.
(Note to friends who may read these blogs when I am dead, I loved you all for asking for so long)
There's a lot more I could add but I don't fancy undoing all the work my new friends, the Tibetan Monks, have done, that's wouldn't be clever.
As a kid, I always had a 'best' friend, either in school or in the group of kids I grew up with.
(Must write about 80s-90s childhood. It was a perfect childhood worth blogging)
Anyway.....
Hitting the awkward teenage years I came across my first really lovely friendship.
Strolled into high school with no clue about life or people and in a swish of my wand East Lothian's version of Hermione Granger appeared before me and won my heart as my bestie for the next three years. ( Harry Potter reference meant in the sweetest way. Clever, wayyyy too much hair and a heart of gold. )
Perhaps Hermione set the bar high for future friends.
I'm not totally sure there was a specific reason our friendship drifted apart other than the fact my eye moved to the boy that would essentially change my whole life and nothing and no one else had a look in. (If only I knew......)
Its lovely after all these years I actually still class my little Hermione as a friend.
Fast forward 20 years of watching the beautiful friendship my daughter has and I'm really happy to say she has picked very wisely.
She hit a party last night, in the middle of nowhere with a tiny bottle of vodka and was home when she said she would be, only swaying slightly with a little dose of the giggles and the highlight of her night was her mate wandering into the field next door and meditating in the hay bales.
Calm down there Russel Brand! πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
I just hope she keeps these people in her life.
As for me the people that are around me now and there's not many, are pretty great.
That never stops me wondering if they will eventually get bored or grow out of wanting to be in my life. I've been lucky up till now.
My longest friendship still stands the test of time and considering it's lasted 20 years and 4 kids it's essentially the most successful relationship I've ever had.
(Go Figure)
This friend essentially is non-DNA family.
Its fairly impressive that we have only had a couple of big fights in our 20-year stretch because I'm as mad as the fucking hatter and she can be a little cagey at times, which for someone like me who has to share everything is hard to understand. But it works for us. And for that I am grateful.
For someone who hasn't suffered mental health issues, she works bloody hard to understand the way my life is. I'm fairly sure she blows off steam and rants about whatever nonsense I've got in my head in any given day but she tries and keeps trying and that is the one thing that I just don't see people doing now.
The second significant friend I have is a complete rocket. We are so similar and have this really strange bond that I genuinely wouldn't know where to put myself without her being in my life.
We are totally in sync if she's phoning me I know before I answer the phone, if she's feeling down I'll scrape her up and she does the exact same with me at every turn.
We see things through the same bipolar eyes and I reckon that speaks volumes. Two people who suffer the same irritating habits and can stay mates have a good handle on what a friend should be.
Out of a whole lifetime though only two people who don't fuck off the minute, I'm in complete nutcase mode isn't that great an achievement.
Or.......is it?
More and more lately I've actually found myself cutting off friendships because people just aren't who I believed them to be. Did the death of these friendships hurt?
Yep!
I was totally shitting devastated but actually now a few months down the line it barely registers.
Don't get me wrong, when it does pop into my it is still sad to think I had really great friendships that I never dreamed I wouldn't have. But...........and there is a but. (There always is)
Had I put my brain in gear long before things got to the point of parting ways I'd have realised that the way I have seen these friends was through rose tinted glasses.
Ironically both of them had a tendency to lie about small things that there really was no reason to lie about. THAT right there fucks me off to no end.
My tolerance for bullshit is extremely low.
I met a lovely girl through my daughters' nursery and we had this instant bond. It was like 'yep, you're someone I want to hang out with'
And we did, we have done in things and she always seemed to encourage me to be the best version of me. Less then a year after we became Friends she moved away but we still felt like that our friendship was a strong one despite the miles.
Essentially from my side of the smack in the teeth, this chick just started to take a step back out of the blue. I could sense there was a bit of a distance, she was a bit snappy which was something I hadn't seen in her before and within about two weeks, that was that she slammed the breaks on when I tried to tease her a little about what was clearly a flat-out lie.
I was blocked and chucked to the kerb with a healthy dose of the poisoned tongue within 30 mins.
That girl was channelling some serious Taylor Swift attitude.
I gave back as good as I got, I was highly pisser off that she was cutting off our friendship with no real reason while she had only the day early told me about the chats she had been having with some tramp who was quite probably nailing her husband.
Mind boggling!
I might have upset her having a bit of a cheeky dig about her fabrications, but I certainly never tried it on with her husband.
So with a level head looking back on the loss of this person from my life, no I don't think it was a bad thing.
The other friendship death I've had more recently was a hard one to swallow.
I kept trying to make the friendship work and the bottom line was the girl just didn't want it too. When I said to her that the relationship between us had dissolved and let's face facts it's not something that can be fixed, I could hear her sigh of relief all the way from her house to mine.
I received a completely insincere message with promises of:
'if you ever need me you know I'm still here for you!'
Biggest bullshit I've heard since Theresa May promised to help the victims of the Grenfell Tower fire!
The last three months she hasn't been in contact once didn't wish my daughter well on her amazing exam results or the little one a happy birthday.
Her life seems pretty much consumed by her work and her fiancΓ© and I know these things do happen, people do grow into there new roles and relationships and careers etc.
My frustration lies in the fact that actually her coworkers were regularly moaning about her ( not all of them by any means ) but seeing photos of her with these people who really didn't like her, seeing her spend time with them when an hour once a week wasn't something manageable for our friendship was a kick in the balls.
I'll draw short at going into the ins and outs of the partner she runs about after and his antics because quite frankly it would be out of spite.
He's just not what he seems.
But then neither was she. Again there were little lies that weren't needed for a long time.
Cheating I would only hear about from her boyfriend etc.
I think she didn't trust me to an extent but I never gave a reason for that.
I was probably a little overly grateful for the friendships in both cases.
Saddo!!!!
There are of course other people in my life that are my friends and that are really good people but the lessons I've learned from my older and more established relationships is that the ones that are hanging in through all my moaning faced cow crap are keepers and the ones that are deader than Dobbie
(Why the fuck am I in Harry Potter mode this morning) πŸ™„πŸ™„
Is basically to look after moi first.
And the kids obviously, but to work on me and making myself well and confident essentially is giving me the tools to be a better friend.
Having anyone in our lives is a two-way street and I think part of carrying around bipolar is having a misplaced view that what I put in is what other people should put in.
It's never going to happen and realising that I'd like to think can help me build new and more solid friendships. More importantly lead by example for the kids, to help them see their own worth when building relationships.
Show them not to settle for being around people who don't bring out the best in them.
The number of people who have been massive influences in their lives and who then dumped them like cheap shit Primark accessories is far too big a number.
A topic for another blog maybe!
Being a part of anyone's life essentially means taking on the shit storms with the sunny days. No one should see us a novelty.
Friends are for life not just for Xmas people!!!!!
Maybe the best advice I never paid attention to was my dads' wisdom. He always told me
'If you can count your true friends on the fingers of one hand you're extremely lucky.'
Who knew the old man talked sense?!
Choose wisely who you invest your time in and always start with yourself πŸ™‚
X

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