Nothing Is Impossible

I didn’t think I would have time for another blog before Xmas but this was one I had to make time for.
Today is, without any doubt in my mind my proudest day to date. I am so proud of myself, I could burst. Every year, for so many years I’ve lost count. I dread the Xmas play at school. I want more than anything to be there and to watch my little beans but so many times the terror of being in a hall, with so many other people has either stopped me even leaving the house, or on the occasion I’ve managed to get down there, I’ve bolted as soon as I’ve hit the door.
All that changed tonight. After a crazy busy day (maybe slightly manic) my stomach started playing up and following that, came the shaking hands and the racing heart. Nothing new really.
What was new was the determination I had to get my ass down to the show and watch my baby sing her little heart out, no matter how shit, terrified or stubborn I felt myself get, I just didn’t want to let her down.
The decision I took was to take my own car down, with my smallest human in tow and meet the others there. My escape route planned before I even left the house.
I knew where I’d sit and I knew how to nash out of that hall in 3 seconds.
My first surprise came when I got into said hall and didn’t want to throw up. I felt odd, a little tingly in the lips, tongue heavy in my mouth but nothing like the feelings I would normally have.
Not only did I sit through the whole thing, I bloody loved every second of watching my baby sing and smile. She was exhausted but trooped on, she looked so pleased every time she looked over at me, and I knew by her face she was so pleased I was there. I smiled and made faces at her, making her giggle while she was trying to sing, watching this little face just beam that her mummy was there to watch her.
There’s one thing in life that through all the uncertainties I have always know, and that is how much my kids love me and how much they do for me, not to mention put up with from me, bouncing about like tigger on a coke binge.
They are the one thing that has dragged me back from every shitty thought that I don’t want to be walking around in this ridiculous quarantine life I’ve made for myself.
Every thought I’ve had that maybe life wouldn’t be all that bad for everyone without me has been banished by those two humans I made and love.
Tonight reminded me why.
I’m not sure it was ever a reminder so much as an eye opener to how happy my babies are to see me just there to enjoy these things with them. It's the simple things they need and want.
A first, and one worth celebrating - No anti emetics meds for this tough mother tonight!!!!
Hell no!! I did it stripped back to basics. Those little tablets that have been my safety blanket for somewhere near a decade, they were made redundant. I didn't need them or look for them.
The icing on the cake was the fact the guy in front of me was fucking stinking!!! To start with it was a little like six day old chip fat, which soon wore off to just a dirty manky smell which did make me hold my breath and gag slightly a couple of times. But it never ever entered my head in that hall to dive into my bag and grab the little things that reduce my anxiety by a fraction because I just didn’t need to. I didn't WANT to.
I am so proud to have achieved something I never thought possible.
But……….(this is my favourite bit) the CHERRY on the cake, was having both my little beans turn round and tell me THEY were proud of me.
Not because I needed anyone to tell me what a huge step forward I had just made, I knew that already, especially seen as my face was sore from smiling rather than tensing, I was just so proud of the fact my children are the best kind of people. They have been through so many hard things in their lives, they live in a total mad house that they know is never going to be normal and yet they both have taken on board the one thing I have always tried to instill in them.
I have these two beautiful little souls who knew what I achieved tonight, and they were so fast to tell me. To be excited about the life that we are managing to carve out of a crappy hand that’s been dealt somewhere along the way.
The skills I am learning along my journey are things these amazing humans already have.
The three of us. My humans and I, we are gonna be just fine.
I’ll make sure of it.
Merry Xmas,
L x


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