Progressing Into 2018


The run-up to Xmas has been totally manic, makes a nice change from me being totally manic though, which is nice.
I still have a thousand things that need to be done so I’m keeping this one brief. Things have been going really well. I managed a night out last weekend which was great. I didn’t really have any anxiety on the night and managed to get out in party gear, a full face of makeup and have a drink.
Charlotte Crosby better watches out.
Ok. Maybe not quite yet.
I was home earlier than I’d hoped but overall the whole thing was great. I loved having that little reminder of who I used to be and the confidence I once had.
Yeah, it was a pretty small reminder. I wasn’t out in a tiny skirt, flirting with a pub full of men or dancing on the bar stools, but I was out and I felt confident and had fun. That’s a huge deal.
The other massive thing that’s improved is progress with the Emetophobia book and the difference in myself.
My self-confidence is definitely improving and although the beginning of last week seen me wearing the shittiest mood I could find, I shook it off and moved on. It was a bit of a setback, or so I thought at the time but I think the really huge thing was moving on from it.
I think it’s ingrained in me to be moody, I’m not sure that when those chemicals in your head are faulty it’s something that I’m ever going to banish. Well at least not without medication and the medication isn’t the answer for me. I don’t want to hide the ups and downs.
Maybe that’s unfair to my family and my friends to have to put up with while I challenge each dip or manic mood. But it’s how I want to manage it. It’s what I need to do to find healthier ways to deal with what I live with.
The Emetophobia book talks a lot about control and this little glitch in my makeup isn’t something I can control, but what I do have control over is how I manage it and I think I have come a bloody long way in the last 6 month.
From my very first blog, my low moods are more spaced out, at times they have been bad but one thing the Thrive book taught me in the first couple of chapters was to start thinking about all the positive things in my day, my week or month and now I find it really hard to think of the things that have pissed me off and made me shout and scream like a banshee. The methods I use to get through a tough day have become more polished and work faster because, for the first time in my life, I’ve made a choice and am actually working to stick with it.
Every day I focus really hard and process all the good things, even if they are tiny.
They matter. They are a good thing. No matter how small they may seem to anyone else, to me the fact I am concentrating on the good instead of the utter shit is something that REALLY matters.
Every day that passes, it becomes harder to recall the shit moods I know I’ve had through the day because I haven't been festering on them.
This and only this has to be the reason for me pulling back from taking my anti-emetic meds.
I am now getting through a day or two days without even thinking about having one. For roughly a decade I have taken these little tablets in a bid to stop me being sick and now I can go a couple of days without thinking about them.
That is MASSIVE!!!
It’s a huge step forward. It’s a step I never thought I could manage, and I have. More to the point I’ve managed it myself. No pushing from anyone, no lectures, just me setting my sights on being better, getting better.
Before Santa gets to work I still have a school concert to do. They have always been my downfall in the past and I have missed more than I would like to think about. This one will be different. I will get there and enjoy it. I know I can, so I will.
Now, Xmas is something I am massively looking forward to. I have chosen some lovely gifts for the family and really feel like everyone has had such a difficult year, mainly because of my health and it’s time to finish the year the way we all want 2018 to continue.
Onwards and upwards.
Merry Xmas loves,
L x

www.emetophobia.co.uk
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