Sane enough to be pissed off

This week my mind has been in over drive.
It hasn’t stopped working away and I have been writing frantically in my diary to work through those familiar ping pong balls.
I’m fairly sure my brain is sponsored by Camelot at the moment.
Almost always because I am so self-involved in whatever stress I have had that day, hour or minute, my diary is about clearing away my thoughts, things that affect me directly or make me angry or really upset.
But this week a few time I have been reminded that as much as I am very self-involved, my heart is big enough to ache for other people. My brain wise enough (and I only say wisely because Of the grey hair) but wise enough to let myself become passionate about the pain that others have as well.
I’d like to think it makes me human. I’d like to think it’s the thing that saves my ass from being a horrible person to a nice human.
A friend of mine, who hasn’t been in my life all that long, but has become someone who I see as a good friend, has the hardest shit to deal with in her life.
It’s not a stressful job, it’s not n abusive relationship or an illness that limits what she can experience for herself. She has a daughter who is poorly. She’s very poorly and she has to be in and out of hospital regularly. She has to at such a small age of only two constantly attend hospital appointments and be poked and prodded and go through ops that no one should have to endure.
That little girl is one of my all-time hero’s and she probably will never know it. But she smiles the biggest smile and she is the happiest little soul I’ve seen. Her laugh is infectious and so is the strength that she doesn’t yet realise she has.
She is a perfect example of a fighter, a beautiful soul.
She has clearly been made that way from her parents. They both work their arse off day in and day out. They both have become thinner since I met them and they both have the slight look in the eyes of people who are tired, exhausted, but won’t stop fighting the shit that life throws them.
My friend has sat and watched her baby be too sore to want to be held or touched by her mummy, a pain I’m not sure I’ve ever come close to feeling.
She lives with the knowledge her baby will have to go back and go through torture like that again and maybe again.
This week she told me she had been called rude by her workmates.
This week my friend who tries so hard to smile and stay strong because she has to, looked a little past sad, She looked almost defeated by the nasty tongue of others who know her fight. They know her fight and still chose to hurt her with their moaning.
And I was furious.
I was sad.
And if I had gone over to that totally crazy place I sometimes visit, I’d have torn every one of them down until they felt the pain that poor girl has to go through.
It was wrong! It wasn’t an accurate description of who she is and more than that it was nasty and unneeded. Childish in a world where she doesn’t get to be childish. She has to be the most adult there is to be.
I challenge those girls, and I say girls not women because I am learning that becoming a woman isn’t achieved by getting your period or becoming a mother or wife, it’s achieved by finding the knowledge that a woman will empower other women to be strong, and brave and believe in themselves.
I challenge these girls to even live where I do and watch my friend struggle every day to stay afloat and to still be kind.
There’s no excuse for that kind of bullying. Selfishness or cruelness.
The other thing which has made me sob this week and has made me furious from the bottom of my toes has been the shooting in Las Vegas.
Maybe not even the Las Vegas tragedy itself because I have tried to not watch the news yet. Initial reports never give the facts and we never know what we are most upset about or what the true extent of these evil acts are.
But the shooting brought up a lot of flashes and mentions of the Sandy Hook shooting, where small children and teachers were killed for no reason.
There is no reason.
It was senseless and evil.
I watched a program and learned a bit more about the effect it had and still does on the people that lived there.
Their school is now guarded by men with rifles, their children still fear that one day a mad man with a gun will come into their safe places and kill them too.
My heart just shattered seeing what these people had to suffer and then, the seeds of anger started to grow!
Why in the name of fuck does a country as evolved (supposedly) as America have laws which allow this utter evil to take place?
When the children in Dunblane were killed over 20 years ago by Thomas Hamilton the whole of our country died a little with those little ones.
Only the clinically insane didn’t feel a little broken for those poor children who went to school and never came home. For the parents who probably rushed to get their kids out the door that day, never thinking they wouldn’t have their babies home at the end of the day.
As much as my country infuriates me with the people who lead us to war and spend money that could be used for good on things like a nuclear device, I am proud at least to say that in twenty years there hasn’t been a School shooting that comes close to the horror of that day.
There were changes made and for all the evil that our country is still seeing today, from IS extremists and just total maniacs, we can hold our head high enough to say we do not as a country tolerate guns.
We will not teach our kids to defend themselves by killing others.
We will never let them think a machine made to kill is a toy.
We will not make it easy for anyone to purchase guns and slay down our children or innocent people in mass shootings.
America is allowing this to happen over and over again and Las Vegas now has been the biggest mass shooting in ‘recent history’.
My complete anger turned to fury when I scrolled through my instagram today to see Sophia Bush write that she has been abused and threatened because she wants to see gun control. She wants the NRA to stop trying to make money by selling shitting accessories to make using guns easier.
She wants them to stop the madness that leads to tragedy there shouldn’t be.
She has been threatened with rape and murder and told to die because she is a strong woman and she fights for the good of not just her own failing country but for others as well.
What made me upset and a little teary was the fact that the comments that followed were Of people disagreeing with her so passionately.
It’s heartbreaking.
Utterly devastating to know there are so many people who are so misled, and some so evil that they would think it’s alright to tell anyone who is fighting to make their country safer that they should die. Be degraded and abused by rape.
I want my girls to grow up to be strong women who can speak out for those who can’t help themselves but at the same time, I don’t ever want my girls to be subjected to the evil that may bring them.
I can be angry and sad.
I can cry and rant as much as like and I won’t change the world and I won’t change the shitty, nasty things that happen whether it be some bitchy girls bullying a mother who is suffering so deeply or whether it be stopping maniacs with guns or nut cases who think rape is a fit punishment for someone brave enough to want to change the world.
I struggle to fight the crazy in my own head, but, in comparison to the things that have made me upset and angry for others this week, the actions of people who were, quote ‘normal’ I am as sane as they come.


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