The Autumn war I can’t win....

My writing dipped off for a couple of weeks and apparently, now I have a lot to say for myself.
I started writing tonight and realised that my head is too full of things to articulate any one problem that I have encountered over this last week. Whether that be dealing with David Walliams Scottish version of Gangsta Granny, a stress headache that appears to have set up camp in a head that could really do with some peace or a petulant child in the form of my actual child's father.
My seemingly senseless brain is fried and my ability to write something readable potentially has gone up in flames with it.
God loves a trier, (I have established in previous blogs I'm not religious but sometimes the notion comes in handy) so let’s just see what hits the page.
In an irate phone call to my long-suffering father tonight I tried, and spectacularly failed to explain the whole, 'Am I crazy? Or am I living with Crazy people?' a theory I have been toying with. (Refer back to my second blog entry for my thoughts on this.)
It's really frustrating for someone, who on occasion can be so good with words, (something my mother says I am and she doesn't dish out positive feedback very often,) to not be able to express themselves clearly in a way people can understand. It always ends up in a standoff situation where I feel frustrated and angry at the person on the other side of the conversation and they ultimately think I am just trying to be awkward. I’m really not, I am trying to express the way I feel about something. A lot of the time it's not just that I feel a particular way for no reason either, its feeling based on fact.
I am fairly uneducated and not the brightest button in the box, but I have instinct and a heart that can be on occasion, too big.
Maybe that makes me more educated than the up and coming lawyer I once knew who always thoughts she was too grand to be my friend. It potentially makes me more educated than the people who make thousands of pounds every year doing something they spent years studying. My education has come from life and studying people, trying to perfect how to be the kindest version possible to others.
I hit brick walls so often though I am starting to resemble the fucking road runner and my urge to move somewhere far away is growing by the day.
I am tired of the battles that I seem fight daily.  I essentially fight with myself all day long. When I am too tired to get up and do the housework that I’ve spent years avoiding, I fight my lack of motivation until I get done what needs to be done.
When my defective back decides today is the day it’s going to pain me through every step of my day, I fight back. I fight the pain and sometimes it wins, but never as often as it once did.
I don’t want to spend more time having to fight with other people. I don’t have the energy, and most of the time, with most people, I keep my tongue firmly in the grip of my teeth.
Today I failed and lost that battle.
Today, I only just managed to pick myself up from a tiring day and get done all the things that were on the list.
I did it though!
Today was only really saved by the humans I birthed, who can turn around a shit storm and make a rainbow.
The plan had been to write today and add little bits to the story I don’t think I will ever finish. I didn’t even manage to get past the hell of fighting windows 10.
But when those faces blew through my door like this beautiful Autumn wind had picked them up and brought them to me, none of the stress seemed important.
Autumn is without a doubt my favourite time of year. It’s colourful and bright. It’s fresh and its the time of the year I love to walk above any other time of the year. It’s my happy season.
And today it brought me, happy little people.
With the dinners and homework under our belt and the night starting to settle, so did the stresses that had pecked my head all day.
But......and if you’ve read any of my blogs you know......there is always a but.
My Mini Monster informs me of yet another unneeded, ridiculous remark she has picked up on last week at her other house and a difficult phone call then follows.
I thought I had a relatively good relationship with mini monsters Grandmother but tonight I feel like the battle that’s been silently building, started to slip towards war in one fell swoop
There seems to be a lot of emphasis on talking about a 'dad who is doing his best' and I agree, to an extent. Her dad is fighting demons of his own and I am the first to stand up and say I am proud of the fight he takes on but I am less proud of the fact that someone who fights their own demons to stay well each day, feels the need to attack me knowing I am doing the same.
Maybe that’s not accurate. I can deal with being hit at directly but the sneaky German tactics of hitting from behind are wearing me down.
When I fight, I fight to the face.
I feel slightly tortured in knowing that I am not clever enough nor strong enough to win a war with anyone.
(Quite frankly I don't believe war solved anything it only makes the anger grow and the world a sadder place to live.)
My fear for my mini monster is that her life is slowly becoming that sadder place to live.
I have my ups and my downs and I’m fairly sure that my kids aren’t happy every day here. That’s life though, they deal with a crazy mother, the flip side of that is the crazy amounts I love those little shits and the crazy amount they love me back.
The crazy fun we have and the silly times that I know will stay with them, and with any luck encourage them to give that same amount of crazy fun to the humans I hope they have one day.
I think tonight may have been the start of this war I am going to really struggle through and may make the darkness I sometimes battle a little darker. Because there has been a shift in the dynamic of what was a relatively peaceful relationship.
I did what I am told I do too much of and actually don’t do often enough with the right people.
I told it how it is. I fought back.
I could sit and pick through every little mistake that has been made to justify why I say what I do and the reasons behind the frustration I can't shake off but for a crazy bitch, I am sane enough to know I don't need to justify what I do or say.
Not because I'm wrong, or for that matter because I am right and being smug. But, because the war I am trying to avoid with all my strength was started with me feeling torn down by the things I do as a parent and the way I approach my life or that of my kids.
To tear down the other army isn't right. It isn’t how I want my monster to remember growing up. Despite the odd slip of the tongue my proudest day of recent times was the day I learned to keep my anger and frustration of her other family to myself until she was out the house and earshot.
I can see her happiness growing at home and I know this is partly the reason.
The only thing I can do to get past this next phase of shit is to hope that the instincts I have with my children are enough for me to make the right choices for them along the way.
I don’t think anyone really knows how to do that, it’s the one part of life everyone just has to try and try again with fingers and toes crossed they don’t create little bastards that blow things up or shoot people.
I am disheartened and sad that the people on the other side of this fight seem to think we are working together.
We aren’t.
It is a "them and us" type war and that was something I can truly say I have tried to avoid and failed at miserably. I tried to keep an open door policy and I have tried to forget the behind my back attempts to discredit me, the smiles and chat and sometimes kind gestures that I now have lost faith in. I have tried to be nice and failed.
As they say, nice girls come last.
It’s a true story.
In friendships and love, if you are too nice then when you’re pushed and lose that patience with those that didn't deserve it then you always appear to be the bad person.
You always end up being the one to lose out in some way.
I won’t change that part of me because others chose not to see it. I won’t even enter the battle from now on to show that the kind part of me is who I am.
Or who I work hard to be.
For those who choose not to see it, that’s ok. Because my kids see it.
They see me for every good and bad twist to my day, month or year and they still smile as brightly as those Autumn leaves that are being whipped about outside.
They are my Autumn of any battle I Face. Even if it is only a temporary fix, they blow away the dead leaves that start to clog up the pathways in my head and somehow manage to show me the beauty and colour flying around me.
They are the golden browns, oranges and reds in a day that can be filled with rain and fog. Darkness and cold.
They are the little bit of warmth in my home that Scottish Southern Energy just can’t provide.
My happiness in this world of war.
The only battle I want to enter is to see my kids happy. If that means they are rich or poor, university students or go straight into scanning shopping in Aldi, as long as they are happy then I know I have done my job.
Maybe THAT knowledge is the only way to win the war!
L x


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