A Little Dark Week

I've been a complete slacker this week. Haven't written a thing and had no inspiration to do so either so I figured it was time to make a little update on life in general.

Parenting is as always a task.
I read a quote the other day that made me laugh. 

True story folks. True story.
In our house this week we have cried, a lot.  Laughed till there have been actual tears and I have screamed a little bit more than normal.

Truth be told I'm not managing life as well as I could be. I made the decision to go back on some medication and although I know it was the wise move to make, to ensure I don't end up back at the horrible rock bottom place, I still felt a bit disappointed in myself. I hoped that I could go through the rest of my life managing things my way.
The plus side is that I am very aware of my moods these days and I have really been able to monitor things well, which is still a huge step up from this time a year ago.
One of the things that really pushed the decision was my inability to stop sweating the small stuff. right now I am not only sweating them I'm full blown stewing in them for days. Everything is upsetting me.

Whether that's the kids not doing what they should be doing, or my long-suffering father saying he will do something and then three months later I'm wondering if he is getting dementia or if he just can't follow through with anything he is meant to do.
I've had a lot of moody days over friendships. The ones I have and the ones I have lost over the last while.
With my mid 30 birthday hitting the other week I received a text from a friend who hasn't really been in touch for a long time. I was so taken aback t hear from her that I couldn't reply until the next day. I had no idea what to say.

"Oh thanks for the birthday wishes stranger, would have been nice to have had a text when I was mid-nervous breakdown last year but the thought was appreciated."

With that reminder of friends I no longer have, it made me think of a couple of other people, people I had in my life this time two years ago, good friends that I never hear from.
That I know I won't hear from and I am left to wonder if this life of mine, this life that makes me so angry with people being thoughtless, rude, or absent, this life that can make me so sad or too happy is always going to be too much for other people to manage.
It makes me think that I need to learn to be alone and accept that is how my life will be for the most part because no one can put up with having an emotional yo-yo in their lives.

I do love a good quote and another one I saw last week was about letting go of the people who pull you down and make your life less than what we all deserve.
My mind didn't automatically go to thinking about the people who have brought me down, it went straight to the dark place in my head where I know that I have been that person to others and that is what they have done. They have let go of the dead weight I can bring when I am not having the best day or month or year.

It made me think that if I was them, would I do the same?
My first answer was, of course, I would, why would anyone let their own lives be dragged down by someone else's long term issues!

But then I remembered the times I have been hurt or the times I have been let down and I had to really make myself take a moment and ask myself how many of them have I walked away from?
The answer?


Because I have lived this life for such a long time I am programmed to fight for those people all the more. Seeing someone struggle brings me down. It makes me feel bad and sad and mad for them and I want to run to them, not away.
I always have been the girl who wants save everyone else and neglects to save herself.

Mulling that over has made me realise that I need to really work harder to get the balance right. I need to keep trying to save myself and work on me.
I get so caught up in trying to be the person everyone else needs, the person who helps others try to be successful at something or that jumps when there is a drama of some sort, that I forget that I need a bit of that myself.

If I don't take better care of myself I will end up back in that place I hoped I have left behind.
For now, I think I am in some land between feeling like I need to change myself to make sure that I don't end up on my own and feeling worse rather than better, to make sure I don't lose anyone else from my life, and being a stubborn cow and feeling like why should I change who I am, more than I already have, for anyone. I'm yet to see anyone change who they are for me.
Time usually gives us the answers to most of our questions, so maybe by the time I write again, I'll know the answer to some of these ones.........
Something I haven't really done when writing is to link places or numbers for people feeling out their depth or like they have lost their way a little, so today, that is what I am going to do. 
Maybe out of me feeling a little lost this week, I can help someone else find themselves.

Happy Easter folks.

L xx



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